Solicited By These Tough Times

Despite not having received any specialized education in finance or economics, I'm well aware of the concept of profit maximization. Squeezing every penny out of every single resource available at your disposal. I get it. I understand it. Given these rough economic times, I am all in favor of companies doing what they must to pull money out of their proverbial hats.

However, despite my forgiving attitude towards the actions of the profit maximizers, I am also a big proponent of not being inconvenienced. Especially when, as it turns out, I'm actually paying to be inconvenienced.

But that is what has been happening to me over the last few weeks with each successive time I go to the Equinox gym in the lobby of my employer's office building. I should have been able to predict the current going-ons at the Equinox when, during my initial membership meeting, I was forced to make a stand and reject every single add-on package the customer service rep. was trying to sell me. After telling her I wanted to sign up for that particular Equinox alone and no others, she spent the next 10 minutes trying to convince me that I would do better by signing up for every Equinox first in New York City and then, after rejecting that idea, for every Equinox in the whole country. Funny enough, in hindsight, my hardest workout at Equinox to date was my standing resolute in my desire to sign up for that single Equinox gym package.

Anyways, for the past few weeks, it's been almost impossible not to notice the ever-increasing amount of solicitors of workout-related products who have set up shop either in the lobby of my Equinox or, as I have witnessed two or three times, in the actual workout area itself. It's almost as if, in their effort to make the most amount of money with doing the least amount of work, Equinox has partnered with any company who manufactures anything even mildly related to gyms and fitness. I'll admit that my contempt for both Equinox and these solicitors would be lessened were I not paying the exorbitant monthly fees that Equinox charges for access to their gym equipment. However, since I do pay in excess of $150 a month, I would assume that my gym experience would not be riddled with a minefield of people asking me to spend even more money on, what looks to me, second-rate, ineffective products and foods.

Unfortunately, that is exactly what I have experienced for a majority of my time as a member of Equinox. Upon entering the gym, you'll most likely run into a table set up by some group making health food alternatives and asking if you'd not only like to try their displeasing looking food but if you'd also like to sign up to voluntarily receive incessant spam-like emails announcing the introduction of more of their gruel. Trying to ignore these folks, I usually keep my head down and immediately head downstairs to the locker room area. Upon reaching the last step, you're most likely be accosted by a representative of some alternative healing company asking you to sign up yet again for even more spam-like email about the newest fads in yoga healings and teachings. Finally, and this is the newest kind of solicitor, you'll be forced to pass someone offering 15-minute massages who holds a clipboard full of empty spaces just waiting for members' email addresses. This third kind is by far the most annoying as there is no way to avoid having to say 'no' to them should you want to get access to the locker rooms (these solicitors are clearly the craftiest of the bunch, having found the ideal space to annoy the largest number of gym members).

On top of these most annoying manifestations of profit maximizing, I've found that Equinox has crammed as many lockers as possible into their locker rooms to the point where, should other members take lockers to the left and right of the locker I've selected, I can forget about getting changed quickly, comfortably or without having to squeeze between two other members who, most likely, are either much bigger than my little self or, in those even worse situations, are butt naked, having just returned from showering. It's enough to make any rationale fellow mad!

When I was but a little tot, I watched the hilarious comedy Airplane with papa. I remember one scene where a couple arrive at the airport only to be incessantly solicited by various religious/political/social groups, seeking to disseminate brochures to every traveler arriving at the airport. The man becomes so annoyed by these solicitors that he eventually begins throwing puches and kicks as quickly as a he can in an effort to fend off all the unwanted attention. In the middle of uproarious laughter and while dodging the chewed popcorn bite projectiles coming from papa's mouth, I asked papa what was so funny.

'Son, while that scene is clearly an exaggeration, it truly captures how one feels when being harangued by such a large number of annoying persons. You'll understand one day when you grow up.'

Well, papa, I guess I've finally grown up!! And don't call me Shirley!