Solicited By These Tough Times

Despite not having received any specialized education in finance or economics, I'm well aware of the concept of profit maximization. Squeezing every penny out of every single resource available at your disposal. I get it. I understand it. Given these rough economic times, I am all in favor of companies doing what they must to pull money out of their proverbial hats.

However, despite my forgiving attitude towards the actions of the profit maximizers, I am also a big proponent of not being inconvenienced. Especially when, as it turns out, I'm actually paying to be inconvenienced.

But that is what has been happening to me over the last few weeks with each successive time I go to the Equinox gym in the lobby of my employer's office building. I should have been able to predict the current going-ons at the Equinox when, during my initial membership meeting, I was forced to make a stand and reject every single add-on package the customer service rep. was trying to sell me. After telling her I wanted to sign up for that particular Equinox alone and no others, she spent the next 10 minutes trying to convince me that I would do better by signing up for every Equinox first in New York City and then, after rejecting that idea, for every Equinox in the whole country. Funny enough, in hindsight, my hardest workout at Equinox to date was my standing resolute in my desire to sign up for that single Equinox gym package.

Anyways, for the past few weeks, it's been almost impossible not to notice the ever-increasing amount of solicitors of workout-related products who have set up shop either in the lobby of my Equinox or, as I have witnessed two or three times, in the actual workout area itself. It's almost as if, in their effort to make the most amount of money with doing the least amount of work, Equinox has partnered with any company who manufactures anything even mildly related to gyms and fitness. I'll admit that my contempt for both Equinox and these solicitors would be lessened were I not paying the exorbitant monthly fees that Equinox charges for access to their gym equipment. However, since I do pay in excess of $150 a month, I would assume that my gym experience would not be riddled with a minefield of people asking me to spend even more money on, what looks to me, second-rate, ineffective products and foods.

Unfortunately, that is exactly what I have experienced for a majority of my time as a member of Equinox. Upon entering the gym, you'll most likely run into a table set up by some group making health food alternatives and asking if you'd not only like to try their displeasing looking food but if you'd also like to sign up to voluntarily receive incessant spam-like emails announcing the introduction of more of their gruel. Trying to ignore these folks, I usually keep my head down and immediately head downstairs to the locker room area. Upon reaching the last step, you're most likely be accosted by a representative of some alternative healing company asking you to sign up yet again for even more spam-like email about the newest fads in yoga healings and teachings. Finally, and this is the newest kind of solicitor, you'll be forced to pass someone offering 15-minute massages who holds a clipboard full of empty spaces just waiting for members' email addresses. This third kind is by far the most annoying as there is no way to avoid having to say 'no' to them should you want to get access to the locker rooms (these solicitors are clearly the craftiest of the bunch, having found the ideal space to annoy the largest number of gym members).

On top of these most annoying manifestations of profit maximizing, I've found that Equinox has crammed as many lockers as possible into their locker rooms to the point where, should other members take lockers to the left and right of the locker I've selected, I can forget about getting changed quickly, comfortably or without having to squeeze between two other members who, most likely, are either much bigger than my little self or, in those even worse situations, are butt naked, having just returned from showering. It's enough to make any rationale fellow mad!

When I was but a little tot, I watched the hilarious comedy Airplane with papa. I remember one scene where a couple arrive at the airport only to be incessantly solicited by various religious/political/social groups, seeking to disseminate brochures to every traveler arriving at the airport. The man becomes so annoyed by these solicitors that he eventually begins throwing puches and kicks as quickly as a he can in an effort to fend off all the unwanted attention. In the middle of uproarious laughter and while dodging the chewed popcorn bite projectiles coming from papa's mouth, I asked papa what was so funny.

'Son, while that scene is clearly an exaggeration, it truly captures how one feels when being harangued by such a large number of annoying persons. You'll understand one day when you grow up.'

Well, papa, I guess I've finally grown up!! And don't call me Shirley!

The Infamous Peaks Of Tallahassee

Most people know about Mt. Everest and its accompanying smaller, though bigger than most have ever seen, mountain peaks. Most Americans are familiar with the Rocky Mountains and the highs and lows of the rocky terrains of the Grand Canyon. But I doubt that many people, including most Floridians, are even slightly aware of the deceptively long and far-ranging hills that await the unaware runner who sets off on the roads of the sunshine state's capital for, what he/she thinks will be a nice casual weekend run.

And, over this past Christmas break, it was I who became all-too familiar with the hilly terrain that defines Tallahassee.

Arriving in Seminole country for our annual visit to my dopeness pregnant wife CVSW's parents home, I was excited to finally start hitting the pavement again after suffering from the frigid weather of New York City which, for far too long, had forced me to stay inside for my tri-daily runs.

Waking up before the roosters began chirping, I leaned over to give CVSW a good morning smooch before setting off for my run. Finding empty air rather than my betrothed's cheek, I quickly remembered that we were staying in her childhood bedroom which, having undergone no changes since CVSW was a wee little tot, came complete with two miniature twin beds which prevented man and wife from sleeping on the same mattress. Blowing her a kiss instead, I quickly got dressed in my tshirt and shorts and set out for my first of a slew of outdoor runs Tallahassee stylez!

Stepping outside, I immediately began seeing smoke emanating from somewhere on my person and feared that I had been set on fire. Despite following the lyrics of a rap song that I had heard in the past and stopping, dropping and rolling, the smoke was still rising. As I looked around, I finally realized that it wasn't smoke at all but simply the effect that the 40 degree weather was having on my breathing. I was completely unprepared for the near-Arctic conditions that had befallen Florida and realized that it would be yet another obstacle I would have to overcome.

But more than the twin beds and more than the frigid temperatures, it was the hilly terrain that rendered my legs as sore as the waistline of a fat person is big. At every street turn, there were be a long, gradual incline waiting for me and, unless I wanted to simply run back and forth on one block a hundred times, I would be forced to run numerous inclines if I had any hope of traversing more than 2 miles. Having run exclusively on a treadmill for the past 3 months as the temperatures in New York began to fall, my legs had forgotten the strain that comes from hill running. No sooner had I begun my first ascent when I began huffing and puffing as though I were trying to blow the hill down.

But the agony didn't stop when I reached the first summit. You see, dear readers, almost as an ode to one of the famous laws of physics arguing that what comes up, must come down, the roads of Tallahassee seemingly are barren of any plateaus. Reaching the top of the hills, I quickly was forced to control my legs for the equally steep declines leaving my body very little time to recover from the effort just expended.

35 minutes later, having run for approximately 4 miles, I had run up-and-down 7 hills. As I entered my in-laws abode, completely out-of-breath with cheeks red like a finished book, I, like many-a mountain climber, was begging my mother-in-law for a bottle of oxygen, a bottle of water and a mattress big enough to fit my lady and myself.

After our 5 day vacation, as I was hobbling to our gate at the airport, I was remarkably happy for the airplane seat that awaited me. At least for the coming 35,000 foot ascent we were about to make, I would not be running!

A Merry Christmas To All, And To All A Good Run!!

You may have noticed that I have not been following my usual 'one-post-per-diem' rule for the last week. If you have, indeed, noticed that, to you, I say I'm sorry. As any good runner is want to do, I am resting both my legs and my wrists in these the final two weeks of the decade.

But, don't fret, dear readers! There is a light at the end of the running course. For, beginning on January 4, 2010, Runners Writer will be back and will be back rested and roaring to get 2010 off to an awesome beginning.

So, I want to wish all you runners out there a great holiday season. Stay warm on those outdoor runs. Stay safe on those dark early afternoon runs. But, most importantly....stay running!!

Happy New Years!!!

Running Away From The Keebler Elf

Make no mistake about it, in terms of working out, there is nothing better than running. Like Joshua Jackson was forced to say "A Skull above any other" in his thrill-a-minute flick The Skulls, I am prone to say "Running above all else." I've tried the exercise bike and I hated it. I've tried the stairmaster and I hated it. I tried free weights and hated them no matter what weight. Try as I might, I can't seem to find the same discipline and the 'stick-with-it' attitude that I am easily able to muster for running when it comes to any other form of exercise. Oddly enough, few hobbies and interests I've had over my life have lasted more than a year and none have even come close to my fondness for running.

Unfortunately, through no fault of mine own, a few weeks ago, I began getting these pains in the meaty portion of my kneecaps which were causing my runs to be limited to something akin to slow hobbling and tripping on a treadmill for 15-20 minutes until I was in such agony that I was forced to stop altogether.

Sad and dejected after my last attempt to overcome the pain, I came limping home to the not-so-friendly mug of my dopeness pregnant wife CVSW. Clearly having absolutely no sympathy for her downed man, CVSW looked through my eyes to my soul and sternly said, "Mr. Petes, this is insane. Your body clearly needs to rest and you're not giving it what it needs!"

"But, my love," replied I trying to fight back the pain that was swelling within my legs, "I will become chubby should I fail to maintain my workout regimen. If I allow my body even one week's rest, you won't find me to be the handsome man you married. I will be more akin to a Keebler Elf!!"

"I'm sure I'd still find you as delicious as the products those cute little elves make. But, either way, Mr. Petes, I strongly encourage you to begin cross-training. Your body simply can't take all this running!"

"Cross...tra...cross-training?? You know I am of the Jewish faith! What would wearing a cross while running have to do with my body healing itself?"

As my wife began to inform me that cross-training had nothing to do with any religious practices but was merely a term referring to any sport or exercise that supplements your main sport, I became intrigued. Sure I had considered doing other exercises, but I had always assumed that would mean replacing running. With the prospect of merely supplementing my runs, I finally agreed to try that elliptical machine in my building's gym which I had never stepped foot on before.

It has now been two full weeks since I began doing the using the elliptical machine either before or after getting in my runs and, I have to admit, I have noticed that my runs have been greatly benefited. My legs are not as tired, sore or tender as they used to be and I've found that I am enjoying running on treadmills more than I used to. Having done some interweb surfing on the benefits of cross-training, I have come to realize that supplementing one's primary exercise with additional exercises always helps balance my muscle groups, helps with my overall cardiovascular fitness levels and helps to cure any existing injuries caused by that primary exercise. The point might be an obvious one for all you fitness aficionados out there but cross-training has really helped my fitness acumen.

While I will never enjoy a sport more than I do running and while I'll devote more of my time to running than to anything else (exercise-wise), I have a feeling that cross-training will become a part of my daily workout routines. And, while I may not become a Keebler Elf anytime soon, I also have a feeling my dopeness pregnant wife will continue to find me delicious for many cross-training days to come!

The Third One Isn't Such A Charm

Despite the wishes/rants/tirades/pleas/etc...of, among others, my dopeness pregnant wife CVSW, T,H,E K,I,D and The Gull, I continue to fit in three workouts per day and have done so for as long as I can remember. Like one's own children, I cannot chose one workout that I enjoy better than the others and each one provides certain benefits that the others do not.

My morning workout provides a great jump-start to the day ahead. It wakes me up in a way that a shower can't and gives me a good dose of energy to deal with the tasks that may come up throughout the workday. My afternoon workout is a healthier (though, probably, healthiest were it not for the other two workouts in my day) alternative to filling up on lunch foods and doesn't come with the typical late afternoon food coma brought on by a hearty lunch. My after-work workout provides a great way to de-stress from the hectic days that are so typical in New York employee life and provides some down time to separate my work-life from my domestic like.

So, while many say that my workout regimen verges on obsession, as you can see, I derive many different benefits from each workout throughout the day.

However, I have noticed that my actual productivity (miles run, for instance) does change based on the time of day in which my workout is taking place. For the most part, I have found that I am at my peak performance during my afternoon workout and I tend to be more sluggish during my evening session. My theory for why this is so is as follows: As my morning workout follows my waking for the day by a half hour or so, my body is still in its REM-state and thus not particularly well prepared for a workout. By lunch, my body is fully awake, my body is free from any soreness I had when I woke up (probably helped by the morning workout) and I am as prepared as I can be to get in a workout. By early evening, my body is tired from the day that just ended (probably also exacerbated by waking up so early for the morning workout), my muscles are achy from the two already completed workouts and my mind is already preparing for a restful night of slumber.

So, in the end, I'd have to say my body is at its best during the lunchtime hour.

As it turns out, however, it would seem that my conclusion flies in the face of scientific research which has shown that, in general, the early evening is the time in which the body can produce the best and in which one can expect to get the best workout. In her December 10th article, Ready To Exercise? Check Your Watch, in the New York Times, Gina Kolata writes that, "not only are performances better in the late afternoon and early evening, but, contrary to what exercise physiologists would predict, heart rates are also higher for the same effort". Citing Michael H. Smolensky, an expert in chronobiology, the study of the body clock, as well as a host of studies done at the Research Institute for Sport and Exercise Sciences at Liverpool John Moores University in England, Kolata reasons that "If you exercise later in the day, your muscles are more flexible and stronger and your heart and lungs are more efficient."

Given that, by the early evening, my legs have already propelled my body anywhere from 6-12 miles, it's hardly surprising that I would find my third and final workout of the day to be my lest beneficial from a performance perspective. Were I to follow a normal workout routine and only workout, say, in the early evening, I have no doubt that my performance would be in line with the results cited in Kolata's article. But, one workout would not be sufficient to balance out my candy-based diet and, no matter how effective that one workout is, my body would soon have me looking more like the Pillsbury Doughboy rather than the handsome surprisingly-thin-for-all-the-candy-he-eats fellow I am today.

But, being someone who is always open to trying new things, maybe I'll try moving my morning and afternoon workouts to the early evening and get my three workouts in during the time when experts say is the best for the body. Maybe then, I'll can move from a 90% sugar-based diet to a full and complete 100% one!! The idea itself sounds incredibly sweet to me!

Extra, Extra, Run All About It: The Week In Running: 12/06-12/13

Dear readers, let's take a look back at the week in running:

* As reported on Examiner.com on December 7th, while she may have already won American Idol, Carrie Underwood has now also become my idol. Discussing how she has lost 20 pounds since winning America's biggest singing competition, Underwood told an interviewer that she followed a "low-calorie, vegetarian diet....and running on a treadmill." Had I know Underwood is a fan of the treadmill, I certainly would have probably voted for her in the final on Idol!

* As reported on HuffingtonPost.com on December 10th, in 2010 runway models may not have to worry so much about what they're eating in order to maintain their anorexic-chic figures. Why? Because they'll be able to exercise even during their walk down the catwalk! This past Thursday, Ralph Lauren's collegiate line Rugby hosted a fashion show that may point to the future of shows for the entire industry. Rather than spend the $1.5 million that is the industry's average cost per fashion show, Rugby, for $50,000, live-streamed their fashion show online where the models were walking not down a runway but rather on a treadmill with a green screen behind them. "Once the whole clip is produced, a virtual backdrop will be superimposed behind the models so that they look like they are walking through New York City, or a college campus, or jumping off of flying books..." said David Lauren Polo Ralph Lauren's marketing chief. As an avid treadmill user, I wonder what speed and incline the treadmills were set to and, more importantly, whether the models were wearing the typical fashionable stilettos or running sneakers!

* As reported on FitSugar.com on December 11th, while some may question her mental fitness for having married crazy-scientologist Tom Cruise, nobody can question Nicole Kidman's psychical fitness....since it's in her genes! Having been seen in London frequenting spinning classes and fitness centers, Kidman attributed her fitness prowess to her father, telling an interviewer, ""It’s what my dad taught us — he’s a marathon runner. He’s 71 and goes on 10-mile runs." It seems that Nicole Kidman and I have much in common....we both love running and we both hate Tom Cruise!

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Next Weekend's Marathons

Saturday, December 19th
Christmas Marathon (Olympia, WA)
Florida Marathon (Clermont, FL)

Sunday, December 20th
Jacksonville Bank Jacksonville Marathon (Jacksonville, FL)

The Scents Of A Playwright

Yesterday, after arriving back at my two-walled office from an excellent workout in the Equinox in my employer's office building's lobby, my professional work colleague and the fellow whose two-walled office abuts mine own suddenly stood up and, raising his head at a 45-degree angle to the ceiling, began sniffing the air. As my co-worker, who by the way is a big fan of literary masterpieces dating back to Billy Shakespeare's time and will oftentimes begin speaking as if we were living in Old England, slowly began lowering his head and started looking my way, I was worried that he was about to perform one of the many daily soliloquies that he's become famous for.

"I say, Employee Petes, whatever are those odoriferous emanations I detect in these environs? I am reminded of an epoch many fortnights completed when I was but a young whippersnapper not older than a tadpole."

Rolling my eyes but used to this sophistry, I looked at my pal and said, "Are you asking what that smell is?"

"Indubitably and most-assuredly!"

"I smell nothing out of the ordinary. Maybe it's your mangy beard that is giving off a foul smell?"

"By no means, by no means indeed. It is more similar to a pomelo*. Aye, like a pamplemousse** in the summertide saturated with a dollop of lavender. A pleasant perfume, to be sure, but one I am unaccustomed to."

Unable to take my co-worker for any more than a dollop of time, I picked up the phone and pretended to be on an important phone call for the rest of the day. Finally left in silence, I began to ponder exactly what had happened today. After a little reflection, I suddenly realized what was giving off the scents that had been picked up by pseudo-Shakespeare on the other side of the wall.

Of course!!

It was only a few days ago that my Equinox gym replaced the industrial soaps and shampoos in the men's locker room with the sweet smelling products Kiehls has become famous for. Instead of bland and odorless body scrub, I can now lather up in grapefruit soaps and lavender shampoos. While a minor change to many, it came as a welcome one to me.

Even before Equinox began using Kiehls products in the locker rooms, I had nothing but praise for the fitness establishment. It is a perfect way for me to pass the lunchtime hour and allows me to continue with my insane 2-3-a-day workouts whilst being a productive employee. The change to Kiehl's is just icing on the cake. Or, as some would say, a grapefruit to the sweet-smelling basket of fruits!



* note to reader: pomelo is another word for grapefruit
** note to reader: pamplemousse is french for grapefruit